Tuesday, 10 November 2015

What are your methods of coping?▲

A list runs through my head of what things I can try and get myself to do that’s not strenuous, doesn’t  involve too much physical activity and possibly not even leave my house. In a quest to find a hobby that was all mine meaning, something I have a passion for and not being forced to do it, I've tried out so many things in the past - anything to help me escape my feelings. But, whilst searching for something I can be consistent with, I was also interested in somehow matching my poor mood and elevating me for moments at a time – a damaging coping method.  Prescription drugs did that for me. Painkillers have been my method of coping. Others take to drinking, other drugs, spending money needlessly etc. – all the roads to further self-destruction.

These are less long-lasting forms of giving ourselves satisfaction because ultimately, we will feel guilty. I know I do. Everyone knows what is good for them but tend to lean towards what is easier.

Personally, these pills gave a temporary calmness and knocked an edge off to become less agitated. I would take painkillers before class, during exams, before bed, with alcohol, before stepping out. Just anytime I felt I needed them. And of course, the effects wear off every few hours so this meant having to take them throughout the day just to maintain the ‘high’. (Opiates build up in your system and your tolerance increases).


With this, I felt like I can cope better with not being able to find the strength, motivation, inspiration and even the concentration to be really productive. So, from one day to the next, I’d lie down pretty much sedated and do nothing, forever ending up on the weird side of YouTube. Do you think this was satisfying me? Would it satisfy you?

Anything you do to make you feel good will let you get a sense of enjoyment and satisfaction. I guess then, the more enjoyable things you can manage to do, the more your good days may outweigh your bad days. No?..

Some people have hobbies and interests that they dedicate themselves to and take them to a 'happy place'. I still search for this so I can have a sense of purpose.

What takes you away from your own mind??? I would really like to know. 

Monday, 19 October 2015

Friends: “how many of us have them”?▲

   ...And, what do you do with them whilst depressed??

It is very easy to feel completely alone when facing depression for various reasons. The same way I feel extremely lonely and want people around is the same way I don’t want to socialise. And I’m getting used to it. Fatigue also holds me back and even when out, I’m always waiting for when I can go back to my bed. I have effectively signed out and left the world to get on with it – I don’t really have the capacity to participate most times.

I exclude myself from the society – ignoring phone calls etc. and then become much more submerged into my mood and it paralyzes me. As a result I have definitely missed out on many opportunities – but when you feel like crap do you even care?

When it comes to friends sometimes I don’t know what to do with them. I know some that don’t know what to do with me as well lol. I’m not mad at it either (you shouldn't be mad either - some people just don't have the ability to be there like you would want but it doesn't necessarily make them disloyal). 

Some people, I have limited to text. Don’t want to actually see them.

I’ve lost some recently. 

I even had a friend I distanced myself from because they turned everything into a competition of ‘who is more stressed’. I can’t even start to play that game with you because that’s purposeless. So we discover who’s more stressed and then what? Lol. Either help each other or leave each other alone.

On the bright side however, when I look around, a couple friends are still standing. But as they are friends towards me, I’m not sure I am giving back enough. Like I said, some people I don’t want to see.


I never want the basis or ‘theme’ of any friendship I have to be around them getting me through difficult times. This would mean that when I’m 100% better, they won’t be needed anymore? That’s not fair.

I want to be able to do everything with you, go cinemas and have deep conversations then turn around act foolish whilst inebriated. I also want my friends to feel comfortable to bare-all to me when needed. I hate being a person that comes with all the problems which is why I just stick to myself most of the time. I feel like my mood just radiates and I have a dark/ hazy aura about me. Or, maybe I’m thinking way too hard about it? I don’t know. But I’d want to keep that out of all kinds of relationships I have.  But if this is just part of who I am then how do I do that?

This post is just as confusing as I view some friendships :/

Tuesday, 13 October 2015

I Can Do This Alone▲


I wanted to “meditate” myself out of depression but could I even get up to take a bath in good time? On bad days, I would be so far trapped into my own head and drive myself into a comatose state. How then could I honestly try and convince myself that I can get better on my own.

If you feel like you can come out of your depression yourself, 9 times out of 10, it might end up being the hardest thing you would put yourself through. Yes everyone is different but I’m just speaking from experience - I’ve tried it. I am already crazy stubborn (realised this when I refused to take painkillers (laughing gas) at A&E once - who does that lol) and I've always liked to think I can sort myself out without anyone telling me what to do. But even I had to surrender (if I knew what was good for me). Surrender myself to medication that I thought would turn me nuts and also to seeking help outside the ‘comfort’ of my house. It's kind of embarrassing that I need such. But I need it.
At the end of the day, I know what I desire – long term emotional stability and I wanted to exhaust all kind of ‘remedies’ to get there. I also had to seek the correct help – not just a few “it’ll be ok’s’” everyday. 

If you have a counselor or something similar, are you carrying out their suggestions? – what would be the point if not? I didn’t at first because once I got home… bed. But, again I had to keep it real. Do I want to get better? Or am I actually comfortable doing nothing… day in day out.

You might have to combine different types of help – find your unique 'prescription’ so to speak.

I made this hard for myself from being so stubborn – refusing help for nearly a year on top of already procrastinating on just about everything. Be honest with yourself because pride only last so long. Do you need help?

"you can't heal what you refuse to confront."

Thursday, 8 October 2015

Say thank you sometimes▲

My mum is the closest person to me and someone I know truly has my back no matter what. The past few months I’ve just looked at her differently because how she's put up with my current state, the straight-up advice she gives and the going up and down she’s been doing. Especially this September when I had been in the hospital 3 times! (Not for depression).

She doesn’t sugar coat things and of course she tells me things no one else would tell me about myself. And being more mature now, I am better able to absorb all her comments and criticisms – positive or negative and try and work on her suggestions. 

Our relationship previously was awful.  Honestly I thought at one point we’d become estranged from each other. But it was at the weakest point of our relationship that things turned around. I’ve heard that at the moment you feel like giving up, it’s the moment something good will happen to you - It appeared to be true this time.

I don’t want to keep repeating this but, generally, in black communities, depression is not well recognised as being that serious or that it can be disabling. So it’s either a depressed person may not want to reveal how they are feeling or, if they did, people around them would not know the first thing to do or say. This would leave the person unsupported

I think I’m lucky. My mum is there for me. So is my dad. They both understand. So do a few friends of mine.

I just want to know though – who are your supporters? Do you have any? Even an external support group. It’s good to appreciate the ones around you because they are practically going through this with you. Even if it’s just God at the moment, I’m sure you should say thank you when you pray to him if you think he is by your side?

I think people that can deal with a depressed person are quite mentally strong themselves. They must be because how frustrating is it to keep giving the same advice but the person does not implement them. I recognized that for about a year the same thing was being repeated to me from all angles and never did I actually do what was asked or suggested. But, they kept at it. So I’m grateful to have such pillars of strength around me like that - especially my mother who has to LIVE with me.

Yes, you can barely look out or look after yourself, but be somewhat considerate to those who can stand to be around you – that was the main essence of this post.

If you feel you have absolutely no one, it's OK to let people in. You can filter out who cares and who doesn't. 

Friday, 18 September 2015

Black Depressed Female▲

I am a Black female. 24 years old. I have depression that gets so severe my physical health and appearance is affected. (It's obvious by my photos here thatI’m Black but I have to highlight it because these things are a taboo in my community - simple).

There is nothing worse than feeling trapped in your own mind. When you feel like there is no way out and no matter what quote you can repeat to yourself to make yourself feel better, or how many sit-downs you have with friends and family, you cannot alter your mind set to become positive. There is nothing to be positive about. No reason to be happy. Sometimes I’m lying there and I might laugh at something and in catching myself, I tell myself to stop. I don’t deserve to be laughing. It’s crazy.

But what actually needs to happen before I can finally arise from this hell hole?  It literally gets deeper and deeper by the day. And life is such a struggle that you end up in auto-pilot mode and that’s it, you are the depressed, soul-less, life-less being just roaming and doing things you have to do. After doing the necessary things, the everyday chores, you return back to your comfort zone – The zone of which you resent but love. The only place you know stays loyal to your state of mind. Mine is under the duvet in bed.

Depression is only understood by the person in it. Even if someone around you has experienced it, you still feel like no one can possibly understand what is going on in your head. It’s so disturbing and frustrating when you can’t articulate the battle in your mind.

I resent anyone who does not take time to show empathy – that’s the honest truth. Anyone that can begin a sentence with “just…” I find really irritating “Just snap out of it”. If I could, I would have a long time ago.

The overwhelming sense of sadness, hopelessness and lethargic, sick feeling has to go.  My procrastination, unjustifiable spending habits and bouts of aggression all too have to go. I have no suicidal plans because I know my potential. I want to live. This is what stresses me. I’m 24 and time is absolutely ticking. There is so much out there for me and me being sad that I’m not doing the things I could be doing to get what I want is wasting time and just a backward way of living.  A ferocious cycle exists where, at every breakdown, I fall into the grimiest pits of my mind and with each breakdown will the pit get deeper and my thoughts get grimier. 

I reached breaking point mid July 2015.

As of September and being on Sertraline for nearly 3 months, I finally have that bit of energy to piece myself together which I'm starting to do...

I will detail this 'journey' in coming posts. Maybe you can join me if you're going through something similar.

Sunday, 5 April 2015


This isn't anything new as I cut my hair in September 2014 (during my holiday in Florida). I just felt like taking pictures and giving a proper explanation as to why I decided to cut my hair.

Before I cut my hair I was 2 years natural. But with this, I was still damaging my hair by straightening it. I’m the kind of person to suffer for a moment for greater enjoyment later. So, I shaved all my hair off because I knew how I wanted my hair to be. Not saying that I am now suffering with short hair. With no regrets, I forfeited my hair for even better, healthier hair that will come maybe in 3/4 years’ time.

I decided that there is actually no point in putting significance in hair that is destroyed!!! - Literally dead from heat and perm. So, why not get rid of it and grow it out.

But now that it’s been shaved, I’m not ready to grow it out yet. Some people have told me to keep this for life but I wouldn't take it that far! I say 2 years for now then I will see what next!

The only products I use now are: 
- Taliah Waajid 'Curly Curl Cream'
- Eco Styler Gel (Olive Oil)
Coconut Oil
All these products can be found here in the UK!

The 'Curly Curl Cream' is AMAZING and will become a staple item for my hair. It's like a hair pudding that can easily be a substitute gel. I just use gel for the extra sleek look especially when my hair grows out and gets thicker. I would highly recommend this product!