Tuesday, 9 August 2016

The Comfort Zone of Depression▲


Being at your lowest point and the decline to it can admittedly get comfortable. The thought of putting in any kind of effort to overcome your depression is tiring enough that you contemplate remaining there. Not because you want to. But because it’s easy.

The process of overcoming depression takes hard work, effort and actual attempts to actively take control of your situation.  There’s literally no way around that. This includes making that one appointment with your GP, taking that stroll down the road, reading that book.

I know for a fact you cannot be happy or comfortable where you are now. So, it’s good to be honest. It might even make you feel worse that you have to admit to yourself that you may just be in this predicament forever if you don’t begin to amend your ways. As much as you may feel that you can deceive those around you, you can never deceive yourself. At the end of the day, the front will compound your mental turmoil. Very often - at work, at school, parties, I'm in turmoil because I'm attempting to maintain something that’s false then go home and face the reality alone. What is comfortable about that?

On many occasions I've heard that to overcome a struggle – i.e. a drug addiction for example, you must hit rock bottom. I hit mine this time last year. This is where I was the most uncomfortable with my situation. Rock bottom is a horrid but genuine place. I say this from experience. It’s the worst part of everything but the deepest point you will ever reach – I believe it can’t get worse

When you are used to being in bed all day like I was, doing nothing, what will make you take that initial step? My rock bottom and my potential future within it was my own motivating force. From my experience, going to my appointments didn’t help alone. But before I knew it, I was out of my house almost every day of the week and the only time I touched my bed was to sleep.

Just know, no one can tell you what to do and motivation has to come from within. But I can tell you that you have to recognise that you are getting too comfortable and where this might lead you to.

“You don’t have to see the full staircase… Just take the first step". It’s not easy but, before you know it, that space that seemed so "comfortable” becomes so uncomfortable and you begin to emerge from it as well as see the benefits of being active with your journey to recovery. 

Sunday, 10 January 2016

Xmas 2015 in Moscow▲

I spent xmas 2015 in Moscow. Extremely random and brave. But, I came back alive so... 
Russia was never a "hotspot" on my mind like that. Especially in light of the current WW3 that's brewing, racism and the weather. Bottom line is, I went and I'm back.
Regardless, it is a beautiful city but I have no business there so I doubt I'll be returning. Russia's been ticked off the list.

Warning!...Picture heavy!!!

The Red Square is not called that because the exterior is red but because 'Red' meant 'Beautiful'. So this is the 'Beautiful Square'. I find it a bit freaky tbh. Like something out of a Disney movie.

Red Square from the tour bus
Cathedral of Christ the Savior - taken from the tour bus

Admission was free but we weren't allowed cameras etc. It's really beautiful inside. Every bit of the walls are covered in art or scriptures with visitors lighting their candles and bowing at the photos of their 'idols'. I didn't partake but it was nice/ interesting to watch.

Four Seasons
Worker and Kolkhoz Woman

Don't let the clear skies fool you. It was freezing!!!

I don't know why, but the power station in the middle of the city fascinated me.

Outside the Moscow Cosmonautics and Space Museum

BTS: The Snapchat stories!

Shopping Centre

Until next year...

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

What are your methods of coping?▲

A list runs through my head of what things I can try and get myself to do that’s not strenuous, doesn’t  involve too much physical activity and possibly not even leave my house. In a quest to find a hobby that was all mine meaning, something I have a passion for and not being forced to do it, I've tried out so many things in the past - anything to help me escape my feelings. But, whilst searching for something I can be consistent with, I was also interested in somehow matching my poor mood and elevating me for moments at a time – a damaging coping method.  Prescription drugs did that for me. Painkillers have been my method of coping. Others take to drinking, other drugs, spending money needlessly etc. – all the roads to further self-destruction.

These are less long-lasting forms of giving ourselves satisfaction because ultimately, we will feel guilty. I know I do. Everyone knows what is good for them but tend to lean towards what is easier.

Personally, these pills gave a temporary calmness and knocked an edge off to become less agitated. I would take painkillers before class, during exams, before bed, with alcohol, before stepping out. Just anytime I felt I needed them. And of course, the effects wear off every few hours so this meant having to take them throughout the day just to maintain the ‘high’. (Opiates build up in your system and your tolerance increases).


With this, I felt like I can cope better with not being able to find the strength, motivation, inspiration and even the concentration to be really productive. So, from one day to the next, I’d lie down pretty much sedated and do nothing, forever ending up on the weird side of YouTube. Do you think this was satisfying me? Would it satisfy you?

Anything you do to make you feel good will let you get a sense of enjoyment and satisfaction. I guess then, the more enjoyable things you can manage to do, the more your good days may outweigh your bad days. No?..

Some people have hobbies and interests that they dedicate themselves to and take them to a 'happy place'. I still search for this so I can have a sense of purpose.

What takes you away from your own mind??? I would really like to know. 

Monday, 19 October 2015

Friends: “how many of us have them”?▲

   ...And, what do you do with them whilst depressed??

It is very easy to feel completely alone when facing depression for various reasons. The same way I feel extremely lonely and want people around is the same way I don’t want to socialise. And I’m getting used to it. Fatigue also holds me back and even when out, I’m always waiting for when I can go back to my bed. I have effectively signed out and left the world to get on with it – I don’t really have the capacity to participate most times.

I exclude myself from the society – ignoring phone calls etc. and then become much more submerged into my mood and it paralyzes me. As a result I have definitely missed out on many opportunities – but when you feel like crap do you even care?

When it comes to friends sometimes I don’t know what to do with them. I know some that don’t know what to do with me as well lol. I’m not mad at it either (you shouldn't be mad either - some people just don't have the ability to be there like you would want but it doesn't necessarily make them disloyal). 

Some people, I have limited to text. Don’t want to actually see them.

I’ve lost some recently. 

I even had a friend I distanced myself from because they turned everything into a competition of ‘who is more stressed’. I can’t even start to play that game with you because that’s purposeless. So we discover who’s more stressed and then what? Lol. Either help each other or leave each other alone.

On the bright side however, when I look around, a couple friends are still standing. But as they are friends towards me, I’m not sure I am giving back enough. Like I said, some people I don’t want to see.


I never want the basis or ‘theme’ of any friendship I have to be around them getting me through difficult times. This would mean that when I’m 100% better, they won’t be needed anymore? That’s not fair.

I want to be able to do everything with you, go cinemas and have deep conversations then turn around act foolish whilst inebriated. I also want my friends to feel comfortable to bare-all to me when needed. I hate being a person that comes with all the problems which is why I just stick to myself most of the time. I feel like my mood just radiates and I have a dark/ hazy aura about me. Or, maybe I’m thinking way too hard about it? I don’t know. But I’d want to keep that out of all kinds of relationships I have.  But if this is just part of who I am then how do I do that?

This post is just as confusing as I view some friendships :/

Tuesday, 13 October 2015

I Can Do This Alone▲


I wanted to “meditate” myself out of depression but could I even get up to take a bath in good time? On bad days, I would be so far trapped into my own head and drive myself into a comatose state. How then could I honestly try and convince myself that I can get better on my own.

If you feel like you can come out of your depression yourself, 9 times out of 10, it might end up being the hardest thing you would put yourself through. Yes everyone is different but I’m just speaking from experience - I’ve tried it. I am already crazy stubborn (realised this when I refused to take painkillers (laughing gas) at A&E once - who does that lol) and I've always liked to think I can sort myself out without anyone telling me what to do. But even I had to surrender (if I knew what was good for me). Surrender myself to medication that I thought would turn me nuts and also to seeking help outside the ‘comfort’ of my house. It's kind of embarrassing that I need such. But I need it.
At the end of the day, I know what I desire – long term emotional stability and I wanted to exhaust all kind of ‘remedies’ to get there. I also had to seek the correct help – not just a few “it’ll be ok’s’” everyday. 

If you have a counselor or something similar, are you carrying out their suggestions? – what would be the point if not? I didn’t at first because once I got home… bed. But, again I had to keep it real. Do I want to get better? Or am I actually comfortable doing nothing… day in day out.

You might have to combine different types of help – find your unique 'prescription’ so to speak.

I made this hard for myself from being so stubborn – refusing help for nearly a year on top of already procrastinating on just about everything. Be honest with yourself because pride only last so long. Do you need help?

"you can't heal what you refuse to confront."

Thursday, 8 October 2015

Say thank you sometimes▲

My mum is the closest person to me and someone I know truly has my back no matter what. The past few months I’ve just looked at her differently because how she's put up with my current state, the straight-up advice she gives and the going up and down she’s been doing. Especially this September when I had been in the hospital 3 times! (Not for depression).

She doesn’t sugar coat things and of course she tells me things no one else would tell me about myself. And being more mature now, I am better able to absorb all her comments and criticisms – positive or negative and try and work on her suggestions. 

Our relationship previously was awful.  Honestly I thought at one point we’d become estranged from each other. But it was at the weakest point of our relationship that things turned around. I’ve heard that at the moment you feel like giving up, it’s the moment something good will happen to you - It appeared to be true this time.

I don’t want to keep repeating this but, generally, in black communities, depression is not well recognised as being that serious or that it can be disabling. So it’s either a depressed person may not want to reveal how they are feeling or, if they did, people around them would not know the first thing to do or say. This would leave the person unsupported

I think I’m lucky. My mum is there for me. So is my dad. They both understand. So do a few friends of mine.

I just want to know though – who are your supporters? Do you have any? Even an external support group. It’s good to appreciate the ones around you because they are practically going through this with you. Even if it’s just God at the moment, I’m sure you should say thank you when you pray to him if you think he is by your side?

I think people that can deal with a depressed person are quite mentally strong themselves. They must be because how frustrating is it to keep giving the same advice but the person does not implement them. I recognized that for about a year the same thing was being repeated to me from all angles and never did I actually do what was asked or suggested. But, they kept at it. So I’m grateful to have such pillars of strength around me like that - especially my mother who has to LIVE with me.

Yes, you can barely look out or look after yourself, but be somewhat considerate to those who can stand to be around you – that was the main essence of this post.

If you feel you have absolutely no one, it's OK to let people in. You can filter out who cares and who doesn't. 

Friday, 18 September 2015

Black Depressed Female▲

I am a Black female. 24 years old. I have depression that gets so severe my physical health and appearance is affected. (It's obvious by my photos here thatI’m Black but I have to highlight it because these things are a taboo in my community - simple).

There is nothing worse than feeling trapped in your own mind. When you feel like there is no way out and no matter what quote you can repeat to yourself to make yourself feel better, or how many sit-downs you have with friends and family, you cannot alter your mind set to become positive. There is nothing to be positive about. No reason to be happy. Sometimes I’m lying there and I might laugh at something and in catching myself, I tell myself to stop. I don’t deserve to be laughing. It’s crazy.

But what actually needs to happen before I can finally arise from this hell hole?  It literally gets deeper and deeper by the day. And life is such a struggle that you end up in auto-pilot mode and that’s it, you are the depressed, soul-less, life-less being just roaming and doing things you have to do. After doing the necessary things, the everyday chores, you return back to your comfort zone – The zone of which you resent but love. The only place you know stays loyal to your state of mind. Mine is under the duvet in bed.

Depression is only understood by the person in it. Even if someone around you has experienced it, you still feel like no one can possibly understand what is going on in your head. It’s so disturbing and frustrating when you can’t articulate the battle in your mind.

I resent anyone who does not take time to show empathy – that’s the honest truth. Anyone that can begin a sentence with “just…” I find really irritating “Just snap out of it”. If I could, I would have a long time ago.

The overwhelming sense of sadness, hopelessness and lethargic, sick feeling has to go.  My procrastination, unjustifiable spending habits and bouts of aggression all too have to go. I have no suicidal plans because I know my potential. I want to live. This is what stresses me. I’m 24 and time is absolutely ticking. There is so much out there for me and me being sad that I’m not doing the things I could be doing to get what I want is wasting time and just a backward way of living.  A ferocious cycle exists where, at every breakdown, I fall into the grimiest pits of my mind and with each breakdown will the pit get deeper and my thoughts get grimier. 

I reached breaking point mid July 2015.

As of September and being on Sertraline for nearly 3 months, I finally have that bit of energy to piece myself together which I'm starting to do...

I will detail this 'journey' in coming posts. Maybe you can join me if you're going through something similar.