Monday, 19 October 2015

Friends: “how many of us have them”?▲

   ...And, what do you do with them whilst depressed??

It is very easy to feel completely alone when facing depression for various reasons. The same way I feel extremely lonely and want people around is the same way I don’t want to socialise. And I’m getting used to it. Fatigue also holds me back and even when out, I’m always waiting for when I can go back to my bed. I have effectively signed out and left the world to get on with it – I don’t really have the capacity to participate most times.

I exclude myself from the society – ignoring phone calls etc. and then become much more submerged into my mood and it paralyzes me. As a result I have definitely missed out on many opportunities – but when you feel like crap do you even care?

When it comes to friends sometimes I don’t know what to do with them. I know some that don’t know what to do with me as well lol. I’m not mad at it either (you shouldn't be mad either - some people just don't have the ability to be there like you would want but it doesn't necessarily make them disloyal). 

Some people, I have limited to text. Don’t want to actually see them.

I’ve lost some recently. 

I even had a friend I distanced myself from because they turned everything into a competition of ‘who is more stressed’. I can’t even start to play that game with you because that’s purposeless. So we discover who’s more stressed and then what? Lol. Either help each other or leave each other alone.

On the bright side however, when I look around, a couple friends are still standing. But as they are friends towards me, I’m not sure I am giving back enough. Like I said, some people I don’t want to see.


I never want the basis or ‘theme’ of any friendship I have to be around them getting me through difficult times. This would mean that when I’m 100% better, they won’t be needed anymore? That’s not fair.

I want to be able to do everything with you, go cinemas and have deep conversations then turn around act foolish whilst inebriated. I also want my friends to feel comfortable to bare-all to me when needed. I hate being a person that comes with all the problems which is why I just stick to myself most of the time. I feel like my mood just radiates and I have a dark/ hazy aura about me. Or, maybe I’m thinking way too hard about it? I don’t know. But I’d want to keep that out of all kinds of relationships I have.  But if this is just part of who I am then how do I do that?

This post is just as confusing as I view some friendships :/