A list
runs through my head of what things I can try and get myself to do that’s not
strenuous, doesn’t involve too much
physical activity and possibly not even leave my house. In a quest to find a
hobby that was all mine meaning, something I have a passion for and not being
forced to do it, I've tried out so many things in the past - anything to help
me escape my feelings. But,
whilst searching for something I can be consistent with, I was also interested
in somehow matching my poor mood and elevating me for moments at a time – a
damaging coping method. Prescription
drugs did that for me. Painkillers have
been my method of coping. Others take to drinking, other drugs, spending money
needlessly etc. – all the roads to further self-destruction.
These are
less long-lasting forms of giving ourselves satisfaction because ultimately, we
will feel guilty. I know I do. Everyone knows what is good for them but tend to lean towards what is easier.
Personally,
these pills gave a temporary calmness
and knocked an edge off to become less agitated. I would take painkillers
before class, during exams, before bed, with alcohol, before stepping out. Just
anytime I felt I needed them. And of course, the effects wear off every few
hours so this meant having to take them throughout the day just to maintain the
‘high’. (Opiates build up in your system and your tolerance increases).
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With
this, I felt like I can cope better with not being able to find the strength,
motivation, inspiration and even the concentration to be really productive. So,
from one day to the next, I’d lie down pretty much sedated and do nothing,
forever ending up on the weird side of YouTube. Do you think this was
satisfying me? Would it satisfy you?
Anything
you do to make you feel good will let you get a sense of enjoyment and
satisfaction. I guess then, the more enjoyable things you can manage to
do, the more your good days may outweigh your bad days. No?..
Some
people have hobbies and interests that they dedicate themselves to and take
them to a 'happy place'. I still search for this so I can have a sense of
purpose.
What
takes you away from your own mind??? I would really like to know.
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