Monday, 19 October 2015

Friends: “how many of us have them”?▲

   ...And, what do you do with them whilst depressed??

It is very easy to feel completely alone when facing depression for various reasons. The same way I feel extremely lonely and want people around is the same way I don’t want to socialise. And I’m getting used to it. Fatigue also holds me back and even when out, I’m always waiting for when I can go back to my bed. I have effectively signed out and left the world to get on with it – I don’t really have the capacity to participate most times.

I exclude myself from the society – ignoring phone calls etc. and then become much more submerged into my mood and it paralyzes me. As a result I have definitely missed out on many opportunities – but when you feel like crap do you even care?

When it comes to friends sometimes I don’t know what to do with them. I know some that don’t know what to do with me as well lol. I’m not mad at it either (you shouldn't be mad either - some people just don't have the ability to be there like you would want but it doesn't necessarily make them disloyal). 

Some people, I have limited to text. Don’t want to actually see them.

I’ve lost some recently. 

I even had a friend I distanced myself from because they turned everything into a competition of ‘who is more stressed’. I can’t even start to play that game with you because that’s purposeless. So we discover who’s more stressed and then what? Lol. Either help each other or leave each other alone.

On the bright side however, when I look around, a couple friends are still standing. But as they are friends towards me, I’m not sure I am giving back enough. Like I said, some people I don’t want to see.


I never want the basis or ‘theme’ of any friendship I have to be around them getting me through difficult times. This would mean that when I’m 100% better, they won’t be needed anymore? That’s not fair.

I want to be able to do everything with you, go cinemas and have deep conversations then turn around act foolish whilst inebriated. I also want my friends to feel comfortable to bare-all to me when needed. I hate being a person that comes with all the problems which is why I just stick to myself most of the time. I feel like my mood just radiates and I have a dark/ hazy aura about me. Or, maybe I’m thinking way too hard about it? I don’t know. But I’d want to keep that out of all kinds of relationships I have.  But if this is just part of who I am then how do I do that?

This post is just as confusing as I view some friendships :/

Tuesday, 13 October 2015

I Can Do This Alone▲


I wanted to “meditate” myself out of depression but could I even get up to take a bath in good time? On bad days, I would be so far trapped into my own head and drive myself into a comatose state. How then could I honestly try and convince myself that I can get better on my own.

If you feel like you can come out of your depression yourself, 9 times out of 10, it might end up being the hardest thing you would put yourself through. Yes everyone is different but I’m just speaking from experience - I’ve tried it. I am already crazy stubborn (realised this when I refused to take painkillers (laughing gas) at A&E once - who does that lol) and I've always liked to think I can sort myself out without anyone telling me what to do. But even I had to surrender (if I knew what was good for me). Surrender myself to medication that I thought would turn me nuts and also to seeking help outside the ‘comfort’ of my house. It's kind of embarrassing that I need such. But I need it.
At the end of the day, I know what I desire – long term emotional stability and I wanted to exhaust all kind of ‘remedies’ to get there. I also had to seek the correct help – not just a few “it’ll be ok’s’” everyday. 

If you have a counselor or something similar, are you carrying out their suggestions? – what would be the point if not? I didn’t at first because once I got home… bed. But, again I had to keep it real. Do I want to get better? Or am I actually comfortable doing nothing… day in day out.

You might have to combine different types of help – find your unique 'prescription’ so to speak.

I made this hard for myself from being so stubborn – refusing help for nearly a year on top of already procrastinating on just about everything. Be honest with yourself because pride only last so long. Do you need help?

"you can't heal what you refuse to confront."

Thursday, 8 October 2015

Say thank you sometimes▲

My mum is the closest person to me and someone I know truly has my back no matter what. The past few months I’ve just looked at her differently because how she's put up with my current state, the straight-up advice she gives and the going up and down she’s been doing. Especially this September when I had been in the hospital 3 times! (Not for depression).

She doesn’t sugar coat things and of course she tells me things no one else would tell me about myself. And being more mature now, I am better able to absorb all her comments and criticisms – positive or negative and try and work on her suggestions. 

Our relationship previously was awful.  Honestly I thought at one point we’d become estranged from each other. But it was at the weakest point of our relationship that things turned around. I’ve heard that at the moment you feel like giving up, it’s the moment something good will happen to you - It appeared to be true this time.

I don’t want to keep repeating this but, generally, in black communities, depression is not well recognised as being that serious or that it can be disabling. So it’s either a depressed person may not want to reveal how they are feeling or, if they did, people around them would not know the first thing to do or say. This would leave the person unsupported

I think I’m lucky. My mum is there for me. So is my dad. They both understand. So do a few friends of mine.

I just want to know though – who are your supporters? Do you have any? Even an external support group. It’s good to appreciate the ones around you because they are practically going through this with you. Even if it’s just God at the moment, I’m sure you should say thank you when you pray to him if you think he is by your side?

I think people that can deal with a depressed person are quite mentally strong themselves. They must be because how frustrating is it to keep giving the same advice but the person does not implement them. I recognized that for about a year the same thing was being repeated to me from all angles and never did I actually do what was asked or suggested. But, they kept at it. So I’m grateful to have such pillars of strength around me like that - especially my mother who has to LIVE with me.

Yes, you can barely look out or look after yourself, but be somewhat considerate to those who can stand to be around you – that was the main essence of this post.

If you feel you have absolutely no one, it's OK to let people in. You can filter out who cares and who doesn't.