Black Depressed Female▲

I am a Black female. 24 years old. I have depression that gets so severe my physical health and appearance is affected. (It's obvious by my photos here thatI’m Black but I have to highlight it because these things are a taboo in my community - simple).

There is nothing worse than feeling trapped in your own mind. When you feel like there is no way out and no matter what quote you can repeat to yourself to make yourself feel better, or how many sit-downs you have with friends and family, you cannot alter your mind set to become positive. There is nothing to be positive about. No reason to be happy. Sometimes I’m lying there and I might laugh at something and in catching myself, I tell myself to stop. I don’t deserve to be laughing. It’s crazy.

But what actually needs to happen before I can finally arise from this hell hole?  It literally gets deeper and deeper by the day. And life is such a struggle that you end up in auto-pilot mode and that’s it, you are the depressed, soul-less, life-less being just roaming and doing things you have to do. After doing the necessary things, the everyday chores, you return back to your comfort zone – The zone of which you resent but love. The only place you know stays loyal to your state of mind. Mine is under the duvet in bed.

Depression is only understood by the person in it. Even if someone around you has experienced it, you still feel like no one can possibly understand what is going on in your head. It’s so disturbing and frustrating when you can’t articulate the battle in your mind.

I resent anyone who does not take time to show empathy – that’s the honest truth. Anyone that can begin a sentence with “just…” I find really irritating “Just snap out of it”. If I could, I would have a long time ago.

The overwhelming sense of sadness, hopelessness and lethargic, sick feeling has to go.  My procrastination, unjustifiable spending habits and bouts of aggression all too have to go. I have no suicidal plans because I know my potential. I want to live. This is what stresses me. I’m 24 and time is absolutely ticking. There is so much out there for me and me being sad that I’m not doing the things I could be doing to get what I want is wasting time and just a backward way of living.  A ferocious cycle exists where, at every breakdown, I fall into the grimiest pits of my mind and with each breakdown will the pit get deeper and my thoughts get grimier. 

I reached breaking point mid July 2015.

As of September and being on Sertraline for nearly 3 months, I finally have that bit of energy to piece myself together which I'm starting to do...

I will detail this 'journey' in coming posts. Maybe you can join me if you're going through something similar.

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SHAVED HAIR!▲

This isn't anything new as I cut my hair in September 2014 (during my holiday in Florida). I just felt like taking pictures and giving a proper explanation as to why I decided to cut my hair.

Before I cut my hair I was 2 years natural. But with this, I was still damaging my hair by straightening it. I’m the kind of person to suffer for a moment for greater enjoyment later. So, I shaved all my hair off because I knew how I wanted my hair to be. Not saying that I am now suffering with short hair. With no regrets, I forfeited my hair for even better, healthier hair that will come maybe in 3/4 years’ time.

I decided that there is actually no point in putting significance in hair that is destroyed!!! - Literally dead from heat and perm. So, why not get rid of it and grow it out.

But now that it’s been shaved, I’m not ready to grow it out yet. Some people have told me to keep this for life but I wouldn't take it that far! I say 2 years for now then I will see what next!

The only products I use now are: 

- Taliah Waajid 'Curly Curl Cream'

- Eco Styler Gel (Olive Oil)

Coconut Oil

All these products can be found here in the UK!

The 'Curly Curl Cream' is AMAZING and will become a staple item for my hair. It's like a hair pudding that can easily be a substitute gel. I just use gel for the extra sleek look especially when my hair grows out and gets thicker. I would highly recommend this product!

A Month in Miami!

So after my graduation in July, I went on holiday to Miami, Florida for a whole month. Here are a few pictures of my time spent there!

Day 1

Trikes - fave transport

Helicopter Tour

Hotel Selfie!

Hope you enjoyed your summer also. More pictures to come!..

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Took a day trip to the Saatchi Gallery in Chelsea (just off King's Road). I kept seeing the picture below and I was intrigued. Unfortunately I've misplaced the pamphlet with all the installation/ exhibition details so I can't even tell you the artists of each picture. 

Hope you enjoy nonetheless and visit it one day!

I left this room last as a surprise for myself because this is what I wanted to see the most (so sad lol).

From memory, this particular display of ants, gathering into a corner, is suppose to represent global immigration and displaced human beings left to 'configure' themselves in an unfamiliar place. The ants bodies were made from human skull casts.

I dislike cutting art but I just wanted to show how this artist decided to prop up their work lol

Visit Saatchi at www.saatchigallery.com - Free entry!!

University Life

Hey!

It's been too too tooo long since I've made a post. As you can tell by my title, uni has taken all my time. These days I literally use my spare time to read and do work, do my dissertation and go to work - It's LONG.

I hope to try and find time to get back on my blogging ish but for now uni is the only 'interesting' thing happening in my life lol

My little library 

Hiatus Kiayote

Those tunes that you discover and can't stop playing!!

This is my kind of music! So chilled, Amy Winehouse/ Erykah Badu-esque. 

Hiatus Kaiyote are an Australian R&B/ Soul/ Electronic/ Avant Garde group - very mutli-dimensional - and together produce fresh and lyrically-dense songs. 

Source

I hope you do enjoy... 

American Apparel Outlet

So if you're a Londoner or happen to be in London, please check out the American Apparel Factory Outlet down at Brick Lane. So many items have been discounted as they are now out of season and they want to get rid of them. Their disco pants, for example, are now £50 down from £74. Now although this is still pricey for me, it's pretty decent if you were planning to pay the full price to being with.

What I liked about the outlet was that, unlike most sales, the items displayed were not extremely unwanted things plus they had a wide range of sizes and they were in good condition.

The Sin

Obviously, I had planned to go and check this out so was planning on spending some money especially after hearing items started at £3. I went there with a budget only to spend double plus more -_- Now I feel so bad...

I only bought two items and I'm only really excited about one.

Excited about these...

These were £10 as were all the sun/glasses.

No so excited about these...

These are the Easy Jean which I got for £34 down from £64 :D (they remind of the Topshop Joni jeans which are £36)

I'm not excited because they're too short so I have to roll them up and I don't like showing my ankles -_- but I'll work with them.

More pics...

I loved the warehouse-y feel. Should have seen the changing rooms (There wasn't any)