Friends: “how many of us have them”?▲

   ...And, what do you do with them whilst depressed??

It is very easy to feel completely alone when facing depression for various reasons. The same way I feel extremely lonely and want people around is the same way I don’t want to socialise. And I’m getting used to it. Fatigue also holds me back and even when out, I’m always waiting for when I can go back to my bed. I have effectively signed out and left the world to get on with it – I don’t really have the capacity to participate most times.

I exclude myself from the society – ignoring phone calls etc. and then become much more submerged into my mood and it paralyzes me. As a result I have definitely missed out on many opportunities – but when you feel like crap do you even care?

When it comes to friends sometimes I don’t know what to do with them. I know some that don’t know what to do with me as well lol. I’m not mad at it either (you shouldn't be mad either - some people just don't have the ability to be there like you would want but it doesn't necessarily make them disloyal). 

Some people, I have limited to text. Don’t want to actually see them.

I’ve lost some recently. 

I even had a friend I distanced myself from because they turned everything into a competition of ‘who is more stressed’. I can’t even start to play that game with you because that’s purposeless. So we discover who’s more stressed and then what? Lol. Either help each other or leave each other alone.

On the bright side however, when I look around, a couple friends are still standing. But as they are friends towards me, I’m not sure I am giving back enough. Like I said, some people I don’t want to see.

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I never want the basis or ‘theme’ of any friendship I have to be around them getting me through difficult times. This would mean that when I’m 100% better, they won’t be needed anymore? That’s not fair.

I want to be able to do everything with you, go cinemas and have deep conversations then turn around act foolish whilst inebriated. I also want my friends to feel comfortable to bare-all to me when needed. I hate being a person that comes with all the problems which is why I just stick to myself most of the time. I feel like my mood just radiates and I have a dark/ hazy aura about me. Or, maybe I’m thinking way too hard about it? I don’t know. But I’d want to keep that out of all kinds of relationships I have.  But if this is just part of who I am then how do I do that?

This post is just as confusing as I view some friendships :/

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Black Depressed Female▲

I am a Black female. 24 years old. I have depression that gets so severe my physical health and appearance is affected. (It's obvious by my photos here thatI’m Black but I have to highlight it because these things are a taboo in my community - simple).

There is nothing worse than feeling trapped in your own mind. When you feel like there is no way out and no matter what quote you can repeat to yourself to make yourself feel better, or how many sit-downs you have with friends and family, you cannot alter your mind set to become positive. There is nothing to be positive about. No reason to be happy. Sometimes I’m lying there and I might laugh at something and in catching myself, I tell myself to stop. I don’t deserve to be laughing. It’s crazy.

But what actually needs to happen before I can finally arise from this hell hole?  It literally gets deeper and deeper by the day. And life is such a struggle that you end up in auto-pilot mode and that’s it, you are the depressed, soul-less, life-less being just roaming and doing things you have to do. After doing the necessary things, the everyday chores, you return back to your comfort zone – The zone of which you resent but love. The only place you know stays loyal to your state of mind. Mine is under the duvet in bed.

Depression is only understood by the person in it. Even if someone around you has experienced it, you still feel like no one can possibly understand what is going on in your head. It’s so disturbing and frustrating when you can’t articulate the battle in your mind.

I resent anyone who does not take time to show empathy – that’s the honest truth. Anyone that can begin a sentence with “just…” I find really irritating “Just snap out of it”. If I could, I would have a long time ago.

The overwhelming sense of sadness, hopelessness and lethargic, sick feeling has to go.  My procrastination, unjustifiable spending habits and bouts of aggression all too have to go. I have no suicidal plans because I know my potential. I want to live. This is what stresses me. I’m 24 and time is absolutely ticking. There is so much out there for me and me being sad that I’m not doing the things I could be doing to get what I want is wasting time and just a backward way of living.  A ferocious cycle exists where, at every breakdown, I fall into the grimiest pits of my mind and with each breakdown will the pit get deeper and my thoughts get grimier. 

I reached breaking point mid July 2015.

As of September and being on Sertraline for nearly 3 months, I finally have that bit of energy to piece myself together which I'm starting to do...

I will detail this 'journey' in coming posts. Maybe you can join me if you're going through something similar.

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